Penis vs. Vagina

Why do they call it "bumping uglies"? What's so ugly about the way we bump? Is it what they do? How they look? Feel? Taste? Smell? I'm guessing it's an indefinable combination of our five senses that make penises and vaginas a bit of a neglected critical topic. I guess my point here is, if our uglies are in fact "ugly", what then is beautiful?

I can't get past this. In the end, our culture seems to say it's all about the baby-maker! Does it work? Did you get results? Okay, good life. A+. See you in the next one. But that feels so goddamn empty; I don't want to accept that. Why are we so stupid when it comes to sex, genitals, babies and the life force that supports them to exist in the first place?

I think we're past the dark days when things like masturbation was the Devil's doing, and people made love to each other through a hole in the sheet. Today, that kind of shit is just plain kinky. But considering that's where we come from, I'm just assuming everyone loves his or her junk these days. How could it be any better though? We often reference the qualitative judgment that size matters, in reference to breasts, bums, penises and sometimes even labia. Haha this is hilarious. Where am I going with this? I don't know. But this is the prettiest shit we got, in my perversely humble opinion. And we downplay it all, cover it up, eek away from discussing it and instead turn our gaze towards fashion, television, image and reputation. The things that make us are hidden and ignored; the things that distract us are copied and revered. What gives?

I remember wondering as a kid why the penis was the only appendage on the body that didn't have bone or muscle. Haha. Imagine penis exercises? Guys packed in the gym who already take bodybuilding too far would walk around with these massive bulges everywhere. It would be hilarious. It's almost like Nature thought better of that feature, and was like, "Oh no guys, Jesus, how did I almost miss that one, no, I don't think you'll be able to handle that responsibility quite yet... I'm downgrading you from a muscle penis to a spongy one instead - oh don't worry, when you need it most, it will get hard like a muscle all the same". Splendid. But we can't control its size and biologically speaking, it's the most important part of our external appearance. This was a primary lesson in accepting that which I cannot control... ahem, not that there's been any complaints. (See, I still care what other people think! Blast.)

I must say, I will take a French Martini Glass over an American Hooter any day. The point being, balance is pretty and attractive, purposefulness is what we should be all about because THAT is what's truly beautiful. But we're most definitely not. I can't help but notice the people who seem more concerned with producing a full Facebook album the next day, rather than enjoying themselves on any given inebriated social outing - I think they call them parties. I don't care really, it just seems like a waste of time. But how did we get so distracted with image?

Bodybuilders and beauty pageant contestants are cultural hyper-manifestations of the masculine and feminine form. They are unchecked, exaggerated physical versions of our ideological human spectrum. In this corner, we have Testosterone, weighing in with a lot of muscle and rage and manliness. And in this corner, we have Estrogen weighing in with feelings and emotions and girlishness. Haha this is my retarded worldview. Most people land somewhere in between. But you have to wonder? Why? Why do these people exist? What do they gain? What do they contribute?

I find it very comforting to remind myself that all humans possess certain levels of BOTH testosterone and estrogen - just in different amounts. My favourite people seem to be the ones with a near even mix. It's like they are hormonally centered. There doesn't seem to be an inner urge to convey an outward sense of any one particular gender - they're just themselves. The rest just come off as maddened and delusional. But I should really validate that horribly superficial judgment with a deeper explanation. Here goes.

You can group the entire package of madness together under one heading: EXCESS. High heels, makeup, toupee, fat, tans, pushup bras, jewelry, large muscles: they're all just a form of material excess. Adorning the basic human form with organic and inorganic enhancements, to look extra-ordinary. It's all a ruse. We huff up our chests, pout out our lips, squint our eyes real tight and look like something less-than-human. I'm not saying they don't work though. High heels, for whatever reason, make a killer set of legs look even better. But then I think, if you blur your eyes a little, the high heel makes the woman's foot look pointier - like she's walking on stilts. Why is that attractive? It makes her feet look smaller, like that of a child? YOUTH! It defines a social custom of trying very hard to capture, preserve and exploit the concept of youth. A tan only looks great because the implication that you've been out working in the sun for many hours denotes stamina, strength, virility, whatever. It all comes back to the same core idea, that ornamentation of the body is just a way to increase the odds of attracting a mate. No shit Sherlock. But what is the intrinsic value in faking something if it's not sustainable?

Let's flip it around. Have you ever met someone who was really physically attractive, almost to the point where you devalued yourself in his or her presence? You said something to yourself like, "He or she is way out of my league". Seriously? Why do we do this? Lets take this a step further. Have you ever spent time with a really attractive person, and in that process discovered they were totally lame? Something about their flatness of personality, or their raging immaturity, or annoying idiosyncrasies you just can't overlook after awhile. Physical beauty is more like a resume than a job. You use it to sell yourself, but only for first impressions when no other way is possible. Do you keep handing in your resume to your boss every time there's a new project? No. You used it once to get the interview, now your work speaks for itself. So who cares if you're good looking or ugly? Unfortunately, I do.

Because this is how we're programmed by the tone of our culture. All we do is run around looking at everyone else, hoping they are noticing us. Talk about futility. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. No wonder so many people are unhappy. We're running around hooking up with all this glitz and pizzazz blocking our view of what's really going on. We just want to validate ourselves with reproduction and complete the full act of being. To reproduce is to take matters into your own hands, literally, and fuck them. It asserts a level of control. It makes us feel powerful to reproduce. It satisfies urges, it connects us socially, it teaches us valuable lessons. Everything about reproduction is designed to make us grow. Or wait; maybe it's the other way around? Maybe everything about our nature is designed around one principle: to reproduce. It's all about prolonging the species. Gay monks, take a back seat. This world is for reproducers only. But that can't be right. Can it?

So it seems to be more or less a case of “fakes it till you makes it". In other words, projecting the illusion of possessing a hyper-gender helps you get laid. So you can repeat yourself. So you won't feel that death is a total loss. But not everyone is physically attractive and not everyone can reproduce - or wants to. I feel like somewhere along this line of thinking is where idiotic battles of the sexes stem from. One side asserts itself over the other; to somehow prove they are the superior side in their unchecked fake-out. Each gender forgets the importance of the other side. Men and women are in it together. The only useful way I see of separating anyone is by designating the smart from the stupid. Then you're making progress. And maybe, just maybe, if we had a collective esteem boost, it would be called "bumping pretties".

So in a world pervaded by the growing belief that immediate gratification is the only measure of success, I try to remind myself that the best and most worthwhile relationships come from years of being yourself. That takes, to some degree, a solid level of intelligence. I'm going to go ahead and put myself closer to the smart side of this list because I'm not rushing into anything too quickly. But obviously I don't have it completely down either. Blinded by my youth, I just can't let it go. Yet.

Most people, even the best I've encountered, still to some degree miss this point. Because on the ground level, there's an esteem boost when we see a more polished reflection in the mirror. A feeling of self-worth, importance, VALUE. It's easy to believe we are more valuable on the inside, when we can reference that reassurance with a quick flash in the mirror from the outside. The thing is, we're all alone inside our heads. And unless you're schizophrenic, there is no other voice in your head to tell you you're valuable. You just have to ask unsettling questions and be patient for the answers. In essence, our incomprehensible self-worth is only valuable when we see it from inside, on our own.

In conclusion, there are a lot of stupid women in the world. But there are just as many stupid men. Thankfully, there are a lot of smart women in the world. And not surprisingly, there are just as many smart men. So reframe the debate from “Penis vs. Vagina” to “Stupid vs. Smart” and the world will make a little more sense. For me it does anyway. I'm just looking forward to the day when I don't feel the need to separate anybody from anyone else. Maybe then I can bump pretties and stop looking in the mirror so much. We shall see what we shall see.

Thanks for reading. D.